


Silent Screams

by SophieFilo16



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Binging, Bulimia, Depression, Dissociation, Drama, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Purging, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-16 21:16:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4640505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieFilo16/pseuds/SophieFilo16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer Reid has a problem. But this time, it's not drugs. Will he get help or fall further than he ever has before? Trigger Warnings!<br/>[posted on ff.net]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All my works are self-beta, so any and all mistakes were foolishly made by me. I do not own any CM characters. If I did, there would be quite a few changes in the show. I do not profit from this story. If I did, I'd upload a lot more and a lot sooner, don't you think?
> 
> All Right! My first Criminal Minds Fanfiction! This is also the first Fanfiction I've done on eating disorders. And without further ado, we're off!

He looked in the mirror in disgust. He was so hideous. He could hardly stand to look at himself. Why did he have to be so _fat_? Why couldn't he be like Morgan or Hotch or even Rossi? _They_ are what he _should_ look like. Attractive. Well-built. Strong. _Fit_.

He sighed in frustration. He would _never_ amount to them. But the least he could do is make himself at least a little less bothersome to look at. He worked with such attractive people every day; they didn't deserve to have to settle with his ugliness. But they were stuck with him. He felt so sorry for them. He wished he could do more to make himself more tolerable, but this was all he could offer. So with another sigh, he leaned over the toilet and closed his eyes as he shoved two fingers down his throat.

At first, nothing came up. He didn't have anything in his stomach _to_ come up. But he felt so _fat_ ; surely _something_ was there. He tried again and then again. Finally, a small amount of bile came up just as he was beginning to feel light-headed. He paused for a brief moment when he noticed the blood that was swirling around in the toilet. He then shrugged, and, with a tremendous amount of effort, he stood up and flushed away the evidence of his purging. He then cleaned himself up in a manner that seemed routine to him now and began to dress for work.

It hadn't always been like this. He hadn't always been aware of just how _atrocious_ he was. It all began two months ago, during the holiday season. That's when everything changed. That's when he realized the truth about himself. And that's when he decided to change it…


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid tries to hide his secret from the team.

He looked anxiously at the time. In a few minutes, the team would be gathering for lunch. They already made plans for Mexican take-outs today. He gathered up his bag and jacket as he quickly walked toward the BAU's sad excuse for a "kitchen". He would just grab a bottle of water then quickly head outside for the walk he usually planned during this time. If he moved fast enough, he would be out of the building before anyone could notice him. When the team asked him why he didn't have lunch with them, he would just say "oh, sorry, it must have slipped my mind. I got caught up in thinking about this new Indian restaurant I've wanted to visit. Maybe next time?" And the team would look at him oddly but then shrug it off and go back to work. Then he'd be safe…until the next time.

He was putting the water in his bag and heading out the kitchen when he nearly collided with Aaron Hotchner. His boss raised an eyebrow at him. "Where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"Oh, um, nowhere. I was just about to…get some fresh air." The last part was said unconvincingly and he mentally kicked himself for not being a better liar. He knew there was no way anyone would believe that, let alone a _profiler_.

Hotch gave him a questioning look, but did not comment on his obvious lie. "The team is about to order lunch. You might want to be there when we do or else Morgan will order for you. And I don't think the two of you share the same preferences." Hotch moved from the doorway so Reid could go before him.

Reid swallowed nervously. "Um…thanks…for warning me, but…um, I-I'm really not hungry at the moment." Hotch gave him a disbelieving stare. "B-but I'll make sure to be there the next time the team has lunch." Hotch continued staring. "Um, s-so if you'll please excuse me…" Reid tried to hurriedly walk passed Hotch but he stopped when he felt a hand catch his arm.

"Reid…" He turned to look at Hotch who now held a look of concern. Reid, however, took it as pity. "Listen, I don't know what's going on with you but I know that something is not right. Did you think no one has noticed you skipping lunch for the past three weeks?" Hotch let go of Reid's arm, hoping Reid would still listen to him. "This isn't healthy, Reid. You're losing weight. You can't afford to stop eating."

Reid's eyes widened at him. _'He said…I'm losing weight. He noticed. That means…it's working! It's actually working!'_ Reid felt a wave of joy go through him. _'Finally, some results!'_

"Reid, you're an intelligent young man. I know you know the dangers of not eating enough." Reid blinked. He had been so wrapped up in the idea of him finally improving that he'd forgotten Hotch was still speaking to him. "So, why don't you come and order your food, so everyone can stop worrying about you?"

_'Worrying about me? Great…now I've gotten the entire team worried. I always have to cause trouble for everyone, don't I? Hmm…well, I suppose it won't hurt just to order something, so long as it gets the team off my back.'_

He gave a nod and a small smile. "Yeah…okay." He swallowed again as he went to where the team was waiting, Hotch following shortly behind. _'Besides…I could probably think of a way to get out of this. Maybe say I got the wrong order…or I could do a sleight of hand trick with my food to make them think I'm eating it.'_

Reid sat next to Morgan at the table in the conference room. Prentiss was just finishing her order as Hotch took his seat next to Rossi on the other side of the table. Hotch looked at Reid for a moment as though he expected the younger agent to run away. He then turned toward Garcia to give his order, afterwards engaging in a conversation with Rossi about something only the two of them could possibly be interested in.

Reid was the last to order. He cleared his throat and licked his lips nervously as Garcia waited patiently. "Um…" He quickly thought about Mexican foods that held the fewest calories. But he furrowed his eyebrows in frustration when he realized that this was a restaurant he'd never been to before. He didn't know what they had to offer.

"I don't…I'm not sure what to order. I don't usually eat Mexican foods." He looked hopelessly at Garcia who seemed ready to go into a full explanation of the many Mexican foods he could choose from.

It was then that J.J. intervened. "Don't worry, Spence," she said, winking. "I've got you covered." She then proceeded to whisper something in Garcia's ear that made Garcia smile brightly and nod in agreement.

"Ooooh, I think Reid'll like that." Garcia giggled as she wrote down the order and then pulled out her phone to call Comida de Amos.

Ten minutes later, the team was reaching into bags to find their individual foods. Reid looked appalled when he was handed his meal. He was given a plate of enchiladas that were **SMOTHERED** in cheese and sauce. _'At LEAST 650 calories.'_ Then Reid was given a bowl of Mexican rice. _'That looks a little more than a cup, so around 200 calories.'_ Reid nearly panicked when he received the final part of his meal: a large order of Frozen Mocha Coffee Coolatta. _'WHAT?! THIS ISN'T EVEN A MEXICAN DRINK! I don't even want to THINK of how many calories are in THAT. Over 800, I'm sure!'_

As everyone ravenously began to consume their food, Reid stared at the meal before him. _'No. I can't do it. I can't eat this. It's too much. Over 1,600 calories in one meal. '_ He looked at the enchiladas then at the rice and finally the coffee. That coffee. Never in his life did he think he would come to hate coffee as much as he did now. But then again, never before in his life had he realized just how much uglier he was making himself every time he swallowed the fattening, sugar-filled drink. He shivered at the memory of how much he used to drink it. He mentally thanked J.J. for making him see what he was. He could always count on her. Even though he became disheartened when she started dating Will. _'It's for the best. There's no way someone so beautiful would settle for a hideous thing like me. And yet, she was still nice enough to go to that football game with me. I could never be as amazing as her. I could never—'_

"Hey, Reid." His thoughts were interrupted when he heard Morgan call his name. He looked at the agent who, for some reason he couldn't comprehend, always looked out for him. "You okay?" Reid blinked. "You haven't eaten so much as a bite."

Reid looked back at his food. "Um, yeah…I'm fine. I'm just not hungry." He looked up to see Hotch staring at him, and he tried to suppress a shiver as he turned back to Morgan.

"Come on, man. You've gotta be a _little_ hungry." Reid swallowed hard. "How do expect to build up any muscle if you don't eat?"

Reid opened his mouth but then shut it as he realized something. _'He's right. Being skinny isn't the same as being fit. He's trying to help me. He's telling me that if I want to be attractive I need to lose weight WITHOUT completely giving up protein. That's it, then. I'll keep improving but I'll get protein supplements—maybe whey protein pills—to build muscle. Perfect!'_

Reid smiled softly. "You're right! Thanks, Morgan."

Morgan smiled back. "No problem, Kid."

Reid looked back at the food, his smile fading. Even though his food held protein, it wasn't worth the calorie intake. He looked up to see Hotch still occasionally looking at him. He knew Hotch wouldn't leave him alone until he ate something. There was no way out of this. Reid sighed in frustration, feeling trapped and helpless. He opened the container of Mexican rice and slowly lifted up a spoon.

_'1,600 calories. That's only slightly less than what my recommended daily value is. I didn't eat anything this morning. And I won't eat anything tonight. 1,600 calories. I can burn it all by jogging approximately four hours. I could jog home after work, rather than take the train. That should burn around half the calories. Then I'll jog around my neighborhood until I've burned the rest.'_ He hesitantly raised a spoonful of rice to his lips. _'Or…I could get rid of it all at once. No, no! I can't risk doing that at work. If anyone caught me, they would know just how pathetic I am.'_ He emptied the spoon into his mouth and slowly started to chew. _'I'll jog home. Then I'll get rid of what's left.'_ Reid swallowed, instantly feeling fatter as he did so. He looked up at Hotch again, who seemed content with his actions and had gone back to enjoying his own meal as the rest of the team started a conversation about the budget cuts. No one knew about the internal war that was going on inside Reid with every bite he was forced to take. Nobody could hear his cries as he choked down every scream within himself with a sip of liquid fat.

He was halfway through his meal when he could no longer eat anymore. He felt bloated. He felt sick. He felt fat— _extremely_ fat. He tried to bear it but after a few minutes, it became too much. He needed to get rid of it _now_.

Reid abruptly stood up, looking and feeling ill. Everyone gave him worried glances as he quietly said "excuse me" and rushed out of the room. He all but ran for the restroom, trying not to attract too much attention but also trying to get there as soon as possible. He couldn't wait another _second_ ; it _had_ to be now. He dashed into a stall and slammed the door, not bothering to lock it. Reid immediately poked a finger down his throat and spent the next few minutes retching violently until he was sure it was all out of his body. He then shakily stood and flushed, glad to thinner again.

' **But not thin enough.'**

He paused when he realized it wasn't his own thoughts that said it. ' _Oh, no…am I hearing voices?'_ He had a brief moment of panic before reasoning that it was likely his conscience telling him the truth about himself. He was _not_ crazy.

He opened the stall door but was startled to find Morgan standing there with a worried look on his face. ' _DAMN IT! I knew I should have been more careful!'_ he thought.

' **Pathetic!'** he heard his "conscience" whisper.

"Reid…? Are you all right?" Concern was evident in Morgan's voice but the younger agent only heard disgust.

"Y-yeah. I'm fine." Morgan gave him a disbelieving look and he swallowed anxiously. "I, um…My body doesn't react well to certain foods…and…whenever I eat anything too spicy…it tends to come back up." He gave nervous false-chuckle. "I didn't think the enchiladas would be too bad. It's my fault. I should have warned Garcia and J.J. about this before they ordered for me." He swallowed again. "I'll be fine once my stomach settles."

Morgan continued looking at Reid for a moment. It was when Reid thought he could no longer maintain eye-contact that Morgan finally nodded and said, "Well, then, you should be more careful about what you eat, man."

Reid offered a small smile and muttered, "I'm trying to", as he made his way to the sinks. As he rinsed out his mouth, he thought of how close he'd come to being caught. He needed to be more careful. He couldn't have more of Hotch watching him eat or Morgan questioning him in the bathroom. He promised himself he would try harder without raising unwanted attention.

As everyone finished their lunches and returned to work, Morgan cornered Hotch.

"I think there's something wrong with Reid," he said simply as they watched the sickly-looking agent shuffle through paperwork at his desk.

"I know." The two shared a serious look before Hotch told Morgan to come to his office and tell him everything.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid walks home. By the end of the day, he makes a decision he'll regret.

Chapter 3

Spencer Reid picked up his bag and stepped off the train. As he walked in the direction of his apartment building, he thought about the day he’d just had a t work. Morgan nearly caught him. How could he be so stupid as to let that happen? And now Hotch _and_ Morgan are keeping an eye on him.

**‘Moron.’**

_‘I need to be more careful.’_

He shuffled along the sidewalk, feeling utterly disappointed with himself.

**‘And you’re supposed to be a _genius_?’**

He watched as each crack appeared and disappeared beneath him, not daring to stop for a moment.

**‘ _Geniuses_ don’t get caught.’**

He walked passed people chatting on their phones or calling out for him to pay attention, but he never dared to look up. _‘Just keep going’_ he told himself.

**‘ _Geniuses_ don’t _need_ to vomit.’**

He passed a prostitute who tried to flirt with him, but he didn’t say a single word _. ‘Just keep going. Don’t stop. Don’t stop for anything. Keep going.’_

**‘And do you know _WHY_?’**

Suddenly, a familiar cat leapt out and hissed at him before running away. He looked up and saw his apartment building.

**‘For _one. Simple. Reason_.’**

He slowly ascended the stairs to his individual apartment, shakily taking out his keys. _‘Keep going. Just keep going’_ he thought to himself as he put the key into the lock.

**‘Because _geniuses_ are too _smart_ to let themselves become as FAT and UGLY as _YOU_!’**

He opened the door and stood there for a moment. He sighed. “I know.” He gently closed the door behind him, nodding slightly. “I know.”

Reid dropped his bag to the floor as he felt him eyes begin to sting _. ‘No. I can’t cry. What good will crying do? There’s no point in crying.’_ He quickly wiped his eyes and headed for the kitchen. There, he went to the sink and washed his face repeatedly until he was sure he wouldn’t cry anymore.

**_‘Pathetic.’_ **

“Yeah,” he whispered. He turned to lean against the sink when he spotted something on his table: a bright pink box. “Oh, right. I forgot to throw that away.”

Four days ago, on Friday, Garcia had given Reid a box full of various muffins, convinced that he had stopped eating breakfast. She told him there was now no excuse for why he wouldn’t be able to eat breakfast over the weekend.

_“Honey, you know I love you, but I cannot stand by and watch you get any skinnier.” She held up a hand to stop any protests before they could start. “Now, you are going to go home, and when morning comes, you are going to have a nice, full breakfast, complete with a muffin. Or two. Or…twenty.” She then smiled at him and practically shoved the box into his hands before scurrying off._

Reid sighed as he walked over and picked up the box. He hadn’t even thought about it once during the weekend.

_‘Great. Now even Garcia is worried about me. She probably doesn’t want me to waste my time trying to become more attractive. This is her kind way of telling me I should give up.’_ He opened the lid of the box and quickly counted 18 muffins. He swallowed. _‘Maybe I should. There’s no way I could ever be like them.’_

**‘Sure. Give up. Prove just how pathetic and weak you are.’**

“Shut up,” Reid murmured.

**‘Go ahead and eat up. Like the _fat_ little piggy you are.’**

“I said shut up!” He felt tears build in his eyes again. _‘No. I don’t_ want _to cry anymore.’_

**‘Useless. Pathetic. Weak. Loser.’**

Reid shut his eyes and clenched his teeth. _‘I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry anymore!’_

“I’m not! I’m not! I’m _not_!” As he felt tears struggling to poke through his eyelids, he quickly snatched a muffin and stuffed half of it in his mouth.

**‘Weak…’**

“Shut up…” He felt tears stream down his face, and he quickly swallowed the partially-chewed food and shoved the rest of the muffin into his mouth.

**‘Disgusting…’**

He grabbed another muffin, forcing it into his mouth. He then grabbed another as he forcibly choked down the one before it. He felt his legs growing weak and slowly lowered to the floor as he continued scarfing down the baked goods. As he sat, leaning against the table, stuffing his mouth over and over again, trying to contain his stubborn tears, he thought back on what began all of this.

It was roughly two months ago. During the holiday season. Everyone was having parties and family dinners. The BAU had a party a few days before Christmas. Then the team gathered at Rossi’s mansion on Christmas Eve for another party, full of foods made by the Italian himself. On Christmas Day, Reid went to visit his mother, where they had a Christmas dinner for the patients. Two days later, Morgan and Garcia had convinced him to come with them to another party, knowing Reid had no one else to be around during the holidays, apart from his mother. On New Year’s Eve, the team got together again for another celebration, followed by Reid going to another party on New Year’s Day.

When Reid returned to work after the holiday season was over, he felt refreshed, as he did every year. He had done things he only ever did once a year—including eating various foods that were only around during that time of year. He stood in the “kitchen” area, filling his sugar with a bit of warm coffee. He looked up when J.J. had entered.

“Hey, Spence.” She gave him a warm smile as he handed her the coffee pot.

“Good morning, and Happy New Year!” He stirred the sugar, trying to evenly spread the coffee.

“Happy New Year to you, too.” She put the pot down and looked at Reid humorously. “Looks like you ate pretty well over the holidays.”

Reid had a questioning look on his face. “What do you mean?”

J.J. took a sip of her coffee and made a slight face of disapproval. “Well, you’ve gain weight.”

“I…have?”

“Yeah…” She walked over to the sink to pour out her drink. She’d forgotten just how bad BAU coffee was. “But just a little bit.”

Reid looked down at himself, critically. “…Oh…”

J.J. placed her mug in the sink and walked passed Reid toward the doorway. She stopped when she noticed he was still staring at his stomach. “Hey, Spence?”

He looked up at her. “Huh?”

“Don’t worry about it, all right? With you being you, I’m sure you’ll be back to normal in hardly any time at all.” Reid looked back down at his stomach. “Besides, you really didn’t put on _that_ much. It actually wouldn’t be so bad if you kept it.” And with a friendly smile and a wink, J.J. left for her office, leaving Reid alone with his misunderstanding thoughts.

_‘She said I didn’t put on that much. But she_ did _notice that I gained weight. And she said it wouldn’t be bad if I kept the added weight. So does that mean…I was already fat? Of course. If I were already fat, what difference would it make if I gained a few more pounds?’_ He tried to suck in his stomach, but he could still see it poking out _. ‘I **am** fat. Have I _ always _been fat? Has everyone noticed? Do they all see it? Why couldn’t I see before? Why have I never done anything to get_ rid _of it? I should get rid of it. I’m an **FBI agent**. I can’t be fat. I need to be thin and fit and ready…like _ Morgan _. He probably doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him. But me…I’m…I’m…_ **DISGUSTING** _.’_

“Hey, Reid.” Prentiss greeted as she reached for her coffee mug. Reid somewhat muttered a “hey” back at her. “So…” she said as she started to pour some cream into her drink. “Has the genius made any resolutions? Or do you have some over-complicated explanation as to why there’s no point in making resolutions?” She took a sip, feeling slightly amused as she bet with herself on the latter.

Reid turned to look at her. There was something in his eyes at that moment that Prentiss couldn’t quite place. It was something she had never seen in Reid before. “Oh,” he said, his voice slightly deep and quiet. “I have resolution.” He turned way and rubbed his stomach. “Starting now.” He then walked out of the room, leaving a confused and slightly concerned Emily Prentiss in his wake.

Reid reached into the box again, only to feel cardboard. He looked and felt waves of frustration wash over him when he realized the box was now empty. _‘Damn it’_. He threw the box halfway across the kitchen and curled into a ball, his legs to his chest and his arms holding each other. He rocked slightly, trying to fend off the tears. _‘I want more to eat.’_

**‘You’re a disgrace.’**

He buried his head in his arms. _‘But I’m not supposed to eat.’_

**‘Absolutely _pitiful_.’**

He clenched his arms. _‘I can’t tell if I’m hungry or not.’_

**‘Just PUTRID.’**

He clenched harder and harder, digging his nail through the fabric of his shirt and into his flesh. _‘I just want to eat, but I_ don’t _want to eat.’_

**_‘Foul. Stupid.’_ **

He continued clenching harder and harder. _‘I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.’_

**_‘Worthless.’_ **

He ignored the feeling of something filling his nails _. ‘Someone…please…help me…I don’t…I just don’t know anymore…please…’_

**_‘Hopeless.’_ **

“Stop it, _please_!” And then, everything was silent. Reid felt himself shaking and there was a pain in his arms. He released his arms and saw the blood in his fingernails. He looked at his right arm, watching as blood hesitantly seeped out. Seeing it slowly come out of his flesh calmed him in an unsettling way. And then, all too soon, the blood stopped, and he no longer had a distraction. He could sense the thoughts coming back, lurking at the edges of his mind.

Reid unsteadily stood up and immediately felt ill. _‘I ate too much. No, no, no. What did I just **DO**?!?’_

**‘You’re so _pathetic_ and _weak_. Are you _really_ about to throw away all the progress you’ve been making because of some _muffins_?’**

_‘No…no. I_ have _been making progress. Even_ Hotch _said so. I can’t go back now. Not until I’m fit enough. Not until I’ve gotten rid of all the fat.’_

**‘So what are you going to do now, _Doctor Reid_?’**

“I…I have to get rid of it. All of it. **_Now_**.” Reid slowly walked out of the kitchen and into his bathroom, locking the door behind him as the sound of painful retching filled his apartment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at work...

Spencer Reid narrowed his eyes, trying his hardest to remain focused on the information. He'd been trying to read the same paper for five minutes. **Five minutes**. It should have only taken him ten seconds, _max_! He lightly shook his head in disappointment.

_'Great…now I can't even work.'_ He let out a sigh. He was late this morning. He heard his alarm sound, but he was too exhausted to get up. After an hour of trying, he finally got to his feet. He had to skip his morning shower and his jog (unfortunately) in order to make the next train. He walked into work obviously drained, and, thankfully, nobody said anything. But they did like to _stare_. And now, he was reviewing paperwork at an embarrassingly slow (for him) speed. He could feel Morgan watching him, and tried to ignore him. After a moment, a series of unbearable stomach cramps overtook him, and he had to admit temporary defeat.

He sighed in frustration and took a sip from his bottle of water, hoping it would ease his stomach. It didn't. Morgan leaned toward him. Reid knew a conversation was sure to follow. Damn it, that was **not** what he needed right now.

"You know, Reid, maybe you should try to get more rest. I'm sure it'd be a lot easier for you to concentrate if you did."

Reid had to suppress a growl of annoyance. "I'm focusing fine, Morgan."

Morgan gave a humorless chuckle. "Fine? Reid, you've barely made a dent in your paperwork. _I'm_ even ahead of you, which should _never_ happen." Reid looked away. Morgan lowered his voice a bit and took on a serious tone. "Look, man, there's nothing wrong with needing a break every once in a while. This job can get to us all. I know. Nobody would think any less of you if you asked Hotch for a bit of time off. It might do you some good."

Reid's eyes widened in horror. ' _What does he mean by_ _ **that**_ _? Does he think I can't do this job? Does he think I'm not good enough? Not smart enough? Not…not_ _ **fit**_ _enough?_ Reid slowly faced Morgan. _No…I'm…I'm doing better. I've lost weight… But not enough. Not yet. But I'm going to get there. I'm going to prove to everyone that I can be fit, too. They'll see I can do this job. And maybe…maybe they'll like me more…'_

"Thank you for your concern, Morgan," Reid spoke with caution and a forced calmness. "But I assure you that I'm fine."

""Reid, you are not ' _fine'_."

"Well, I suppose that's where we disagree." Reid reached across his desk for another file, determined not to look at Morgan.

"Reid…" Morgan grabbed Reid's upper arm to stop him from taking another file.

Reid hissed at the pain and jerked his arm away. He had forgotten about the nail marks in his arms from last night. And now he couldn't help but think about what he did _before_ that. Those muffins… He was disgusted with himself. Anger fueled within him.

"Reid, please, just listen to—"

"No, Morgan, you listen!" Reid snapped suddenly, causing Morgan to pause in shock. "I told you I'm **fine**! Maybe the reason I haven't finished my work yet is because you always pile **your** work onto mine! Of course you're going to finish sooner if I'm doing your work **and** my work! Maybe if you handled your own damn responsibilities, we wouldn't have a problem!"

Morgan's face showed obvious shock, as well as the faces of Prentiss and the interns around them who pretended not to be eavesdropping. After a moment, Reid realized what he'd just done and instantly felt ashamed of himself.

Reid looked at Morgan with pleading eyes. "Morgan…" he said softly. "I'm…I'm sorry…I…" His voice trailed off as he lost the words.

Morgan's eyes held a swirl of emotions, but the only one Reid noticed was anger. " _Fine_ ," he said impatiently. "If you don't want to accept my help, I won't force you. But you won't be able to say I didn't _try_."

"Morgan…" The older man ignored him. Reid was swept by emotions he couldn't decipher. ' ** _Damn it!_** _What is_ _ **wrong**_ _with me? He was only worried, and I yelled at him. And now he hates me even_ _ **more**_ _.'_ Reid felt his eyes begin to sting.

**'You're so** **_pathetic_ ** **! You can't do anything right. You can't lose weight, you can't sleep, you can't focus, you can't do your job, and you can't be a good friend. Just** **_worthless_ ** **.'**

Reid stood up abruptly, startling everyone around him. He ignored them as he quickly paced toward the nearest bathroom. Once inside, he made sure to lock the door this time before running into a stall. He tried to get rid of the weight, but the only thing he's had since last night's purging was water. And that was all that came up.

**'You can't even vomit properly. Pathetic…'**

Reid wiped the tears from his eyes as he forced himself up to his feet. After flushing, he walked out of the stall and stared at himself in the mirror before turning away in disgust. With an air of defeat about him, he slowly exited the bathroom and returned to his desk. Everyone noticed the change in his behavior immediately, but no one commented on it.

After a few minutes, the sound of heels could be heard walking into the bullpen. Reid ignored it as he struggled to comprehend the text in front of him. His recent purging helped clear his mind by the smallest of fractions, but it only worsened his cramps. He tried to think of facts about medications and treatments that would help him deal with them. But his mind was far too jumbled and hazy to decipher them. This wasn't good. The work day was a third of the way over, and he still has only completed three files. His mind instantly returned to self-loathing thoughts—the _only_ thoughts he could hear clearly. So ugly…so useless…so…

"REID!" He snapped his head up to see a worried-looking Prentiss staring at him. He blinked, unsure of what to say. "Didn't you hear J.J.?" He blinked again. "Come on, Reid, we have a case."

He watched as Prentiss headed toward the conference room with only one thought in his mind, clearer than anything else: _Oh, no._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile, on the plane...

This wasn't good. They hadn't had a case in weeks, but  _now_  of all times is when some killer decides to come out to play? Reid was not a superstitious or  _particularly_  paranoid person (when  _healthy_ , that is), but he was tempted to believe that the universe hated him even more than he hated himself. He can't handle a case, not now. Not when he was having this much trouble focusing on regular paperwork. Not when he still had his daily routine he needed to follow in order to lose ' _x'_  amount of kilograms each day (the number changed so frequently, Reid had to use a  _variable_ , rather than an actual  _number_ ). No, not when he still has work to do. What would happen if he had to chase the UnSub? There's no way Reid would be able to catch him (or her…or did the team already rule that out? Why couldn't he  _remember_?) when he was still in such a pitiful state. He wasn't ready yet. But, then again, it was his job to be ready to leave at any time. He  _always_  has to be ready. Serial killers aren't going to wait until he's ready and neither should he.

Reid turned his head to look out the plane window as he tried desperately to stifle a yawn. He failed—horribly—which only set forth another stream of self-deprecating thoughts. He watched the clouds, with a conflicting mind—one part trying to calculate the current wind speed based on the rate of the clouds versus the rate of the plane, one part completely incapable of producing any information at all, and a third part that begged helplessly for rest. As he watched the clouds, he felt his eyes slowly grow narrower and narrower…

NO! He had to stay awake. He had to be at his best for this case. ' _This case…'_  He took a deep breath and tried to remember everything he could about what the team had said in the conference room and during the first part of the flight.

He leaned back in his seat and only then noticed how badly his leg was shaking. He realized that it wasn't just his leg; his entire body was trembling. He tried to control himself, which did little to help.  _'Iron deficiency…'_  he thought absent-mindedly _. 'I'll have to remember to find supplements for iron.'_  He zipped his jacket to its highest point. It isn't usually this cold on the flight. Is the heating not working? Why doesn't anyone else seem bothered by it?

_'No, focus! I need to think about the case. I need to find a way to be more useful. I need to remember… This case…is in Nebraska. What city? It's…along the state border…I…think. What was said during the debriefing? Over the course of five weeks, there have been twelve victims. Cause of death? Drowning. No, no… Strangulation.'_  Reid was too busy focusing on the details of the case to notice he had shut his eyes _. 'All the victims were female, blonde, between the ages of 21 and 34. This definitely rules out the possibility of a female UnSub. The UnSub most likely receives sexual satisfaction from the strangulation. He likes to feel dominant, in control. Perhaps he had a blonde girlfriend or wife who took that power away from him. The UnSub is probably using these women as a way to fulfill his fantasy of overpowering the one who took away his control. Eventually, these women won't be enough. He will have to go after the object of his obsession. When that happens…..'_

All of his thoughts were stopped as he fell into an unexpected slumber.

His co-workers watched him cautiously but critically. Even in his sleep, he still showed obvious signs of stress and anxiety. Everyone noticed the way his frail body shook, how pale he was, how… _skinny_. It made them worry, it made a few  _nearly_  tear up, and—as in Derek's case—it was even infuriating. The sight was too much for any of them to look at, but none was able to look elsewhere.

J.J. moved from her seat near Reid to come closer to the team. She looked back at Reid once more to be sure he was asleep before whispering to the rest of the team "So…what do  _you_  guys think is going on with Reid?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are going to be a little fun (for me, at least. I can't say the same for Spencer, though…). *maniacal grin*  
> Sorry this chapter is a little short, but I didn't want to add the next chapter to it; I wanted that to be its own chapter. This story is about to get interesting, and there will be more team involvement in the next few chapters.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid isn't in this chapter much. It's mostly what the team thinks of Reid unusual behavior.

The team exchanged glances for a moment before Morgan let out a loud sigh and ran his hand down his face.

"I don't know," he said, lightly shaking his head.

"Well, there's obviously  _something_  going on with the kid." Rossi stated.

There was a moment of silence before Prentiss bit her lip and voiced what she knew everyone else didn't want to ask. "You don't think he's…"

Everyone looked at her, and she knew she didn't have to finish her sentence for them to know  _exactly_  what she was asking. They all had the same look on their face, except Rossi, who looked at each person in confusion.

"Think he's what?" The team looked at him and he knew there was something he didn't know. "What is it?"

"Maybe it isn't that." J.J. offered in an unconvincing manner.

"What else could it be, J?" Prentiss gave her a sympathetic.

"I don't know. Maybe he's just stressed or there could be something going on with his mother. Do we need to automatically assume  _it_?"

"Assume  **what**?!" The impatience was evident in Rossi's voice. "You keep saying ' _that'_  and ' _it'_. What the hell are you talking about?"

The team exchanged glances again.

"Rossi…" Morgan sighed again and there was another moment of silence.

"Dave…" Hotch felt like he was betraying Reid, but Rossi needed to know. Besides, Rossi was part of the family now, so it would be okay to tell him, wouldn't it?

"What is it, Aaron? Tell me."

Hotch ignored his other team members and focused solely on Rossi. "You know about the case we had involving Tobias Hankel? In which Reid was abducted?" Everyone else closed their eyes in memory of that event.

"Yeah…" Rossi said cautiously. "What about it?"

"In the official report, it is stated that Reid was held for two days. During that time, Reid had been abused and drugged… …But there's something that wasn't included in the report."

Rossi sat up a bit straighter, suddenly feeling a bit regretful for prying. This was obviously a secret they ever talked about, not even with each other. Sometimes Rossi forgets that they were a family  _long_  before he came around. They've been through things he would never understand. The only things he knows about the team before he joined are what he has read in the official reports and the little information the team has shared with him. But if this is something that  _wasn't_  in the reports, who knows what  _else_  could have happened on that case? He gulped, not sure if he wanted to know but also knowing he  _needed_  to know.

Hotch sighed, suddenly looking very old. "Reid…developed a drug addiction."

Rossi blinked. Surely, Hotch was kidding. There's no possible way that  _Spencer Reid_ , kid genius, would allow himself to become a _drug addict_.

"It wasn't his fault." Hotch said, seemingly reading his co-worker's thoughts. "As was stated in the report, Reid was forced to take drugs. At some point during his captivity, he must have unwillingly begun to crave them. After the case, he was in a vulnerable position. He was damaged and traumatized." Hotch sighed again as a look of regret and self-criticism spread across his face, as well as the faces of the others profilers. "We knew he was taking drugs. But we never talked about it; we didn't confront him; we didn't do  _anything_  to help him. We just let him suffer on his own. In the end, he beat his addiction, by himself, without any help. But he was never the same after that case."

Rossi sat quietly in thought. He had seen pictures of Reid in his early years at the BAU. He was so young, so nerdy, so unconfident. He was still much of the same person, but he was different. You didn't have to know him to know he'd changed. Just by looking at the pictures of him then and him now, even a non-profiler would know Reid had been through an unimaginable trauma. But Rossi never knew what that trauma was, until now. Even so, he got the feeling that this is only  _one_  life-changing event Reid went through in his early years. The kid was a knack for trouble, even now.

"So…you think he's on drugs again?" The team was quiet for a long moment.

"If he is using again," Hotch said, looking at his team. "We are NOT going to make the same mistake we made last time. We're not just going to sit back and let him deal with it on his own." Everyone nodded in agreement.

"But we're not even sure he  **is**  using." All the profilers turned to J.J. "I mean, what evidence is there to prove, without  _any_  doubt, that he is?"

Silence.

"J.J…" Prentiss spoke softly. "Just look at him. Even when he's asleep, he can't stay still."

"And he's been moody, agitated, depressed, hot-tempered." Morgan added.

"Not to mention he's lost weight. Too much weight." Hotch looked critically at the slim figure.

"I've noticed he hasn't been rambling off facts like he usually does." Rossi was still having trouble believing this, but it was beginning to make a lot of sense.

"He was having trouble focusing on his paperwork." Morgan shook his head.

"He went into the bathroom and when he came out, he seemed more relaxed." Prentiss commented.

"And I saw him throwing up the other day when we all had lunch together. Also, he winced when I touched his arm."

"J.J., I'm sorry," Prentiss put a hand on her shoulder. "But all of these are signs that he's using. I've watched the same thing happen to a friend of mine before and I was there when this happened to Reid the first time. We can't deny it any longer. He needs our help."

J.J. nodded sadly. "So what do we do?"

Hotch held back another sigh. "We're going to have to wait until we get back to Quantico. If he becomes trouble, I'll take him off the case."

Rossi looked at him. "But we can't have him high while working the case. It could ruin everything."

"We'll make sure he's with someone at all times, so he won't have the chance to shoot up."

"I'll room with him." Morgan said with an air of finality.

"Good. Make sure to keep an eye on him."

Morgan gave a half-nod.

"Don't worry, J.J." Prentiss gave a small false smile while wrapping her arm around the blonde. "We'll help him." J.J placed her hand on Prentiss' and softly nodded.

The team sat without a word for the rest of the flight. The only sounds that could be heard were the noises of the plane and the soft snores of Spencer Reid.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid isn't doing so well on the job...

Reid walked off the plane, feeling drowsy and rather agitated. His stomach hurt. A LOT. But he tried to ignore it as he grumpily trudged by his co-workers into one of the SUVs. The team exchanged glances before splitting up and entering their respective vehicles.

Rossi was on his way to the morgue to examine the bodies of Melissa Moore, Kathy Wright, and Juliana Thames. Morgan and Prentiss were going to examine the most recent crime scene. J.J., Hotch, and Reid were headed to the police station.  _'_ _Most likely because Hotch thinks I'd be useless out on the field,'_  Reid thought bitterly.

Reid silently sulked in the backseat on the way to the station. The day carried on slowly. There weren't any leads and the team was unable to add anything new to their profile. Reid had been able to keep his moodiness to a minimal (as possible) for the majority of the day. It was during a late lunch that things went downhill.

The team (excluding Reid, who stayed in the station—Hotch's orders) had talked to the families of four victims and had returned empty-handed. The families didn't know of any recent boyfriends or new friends or possible threats. It was when Prentiss declared "I'm starving" that Hotch decided it would be a good time to give his team a break. Reid was offered to dine with them, and, naturally and expectedly, he declined. His excuse was "I want to work more on the geographic profile in case I missed something". Even the officers knew this was a blatant lie, seeing as how Reid had been upset the  _entire_  day for being allowed to do nothing more than review files and work the geographic profile.

Reid migrated to what was even worse than the BAU's excuse for a kitchen. He searched everywhere and only growled in frustration upon not finding what he wanted. An officer walked in and noticed this.

"You looking for something?"

It took every bit of willpower in Reid's body in order for him to hide his annoyance. "Yes. I am looking for a bottle of water. Is there any here?"

"Bottled water? I think we ran out just yesterday. Yeah, Wiser was supposed to buy more, but I guess he never got around to it." Reid sighed before he realized he was about to. "You know…if you're thirsty, you can always have some coffee." The officer pointed to the pot of coffee on the counter. Reid barely suppressed a cringe. "I know it isn't the best stuff in the world, but it—"

"I'm fine," Reid nearly snapped. "But thank you for the offer." He left the room in haste and returned to where the team had set up. He searched through his handbag, expecting to find what he needed, but was shocked when it was not there. He forgot to pack bottled water.  _Damn_. He was getting sloppy.

He sighed. True, he could drink tap water, but there were risks with that. In the end, he saw that it was his only option. He didn't have any bottled water and he was confident Hotch wouldn't let him leave to buy some. The only other drinks in the station were coffee and soda from a machine downstairs.

With an air of reluctance, Reid walked back into the "kitchen". He was momentarily pleased to see that the officer from before had gone, but that was soon replaced upon seeing Emily Prentiss filling a coffee mug. Reid offered her a small friendly smile as he walked passed her to get a glass. He pretended to not notice her eyeing him with suspicion as he filled the glass with cool tap water.

"You know, Reid," He tried not to cringe upon hearing her speak. "There's some coffee over here. And it's only slightly worse than what we have back at Quantico."

"I'm fine." He took a sip and tried to ignore the pain in his stomach.

"Since when do  _you_  turn down coffee?" Reid ignored her as he took another sip. "I can remember when you could down a gallon a day and still want more sugar."

"I'm...trying to cut back. Is that so wrong?" Reid stared into the glass, not wanting to meet Prentiss's eyes.

"No…but do you think you could cut back on the cutting back?"

Reid's brows furrowed in confusion.  _''_ _Cut back on the cutting back'? What does she mean by that? I thought they would be happy I'm losing weight.'_  Reid looked at his co-worker in search of answers.

"What I mean is…you don't need to push yourself so hard, Reid. No one expects you to be everything, so it's okay if you're not. Just be you, the real you. That's all any of us want or need of you.  _You_  are more than enough."

Reid couldn't help the looks of shock and confusion that overcame his face.  _'I don't understand. What does she mean by that? I don't…'_

"Oh," Prentiss said, looking at a clock on the wall. "I think the food we ordered should be here soon. Better get back." She threw away her empty sugar packet and was about to leave before pausing to look back at Reid, who remained in the same position. "You know, Reid…" He looked up suddenly, as if coming out of a daze. "You really should reconsider having lunch with us. We'd all love it if you ate with us."

Reid swallowed, unsure of himself. Had Prentiss offered ten minutes ago, he would have readily said "no", as he had done before. But he was confused and in doubt.  _'_ _I still don't understand… What did she mean? I can't stop. I'm not finished yet. I still have work to do, so why would she say that?'_

Reid swallowed again as he attempted to steady himself enough to form proper words. "N-no, I can't. I…" He swallowed once more to gain confidence. "I still have a lot of work to do, Emily, and I can't get distracted. Not until it's finished."

Prentiss suppressed a sigh. "All right. Well, we're all here for you if you ever need anything."

And with that, Reid was let alone, still struggling to decipher what Prentiss had said.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid and Rossi have a chat...

"Cut back. Why?" Reid whispered to himself as he stared blankly at the mp on the board. "Do they want me to be fat? I do make them look better in comparison. Is that it? This doesn't make sense." He clenched his fists in frustration. "It doesn't make sense. Damn it, none of this makes any sense!"

"What doesn't make sense?"

Reid jerked around to see David Rossi entering the room. "Oh, uh, n-nothing, it's just…" he motioned at the map. "The geographic profile. I'm having trouble figuring it out." He fiddled with a red thumb tack pinned at the most recent crime scene, hoping Rossi would believe him and go away.

"Yeah…this case is a tricky one." Reid felt a hand on his shoulder. "But we'll get there. We always do. So long as we've all got our heads in the game. Got it, kid?"

Reid narrowed his eyes at him. "Yeah, I got it."

"Good," Rossi patted the shoulder once before releasing it. "Because we need that profile," he said, pointing at the map. "Which means you have to be here 100%"

"Yes, I know that, Rossi," Reid said with growing annoyance. "I've been putting all of my effort into this profile, like the rest of you have been. It's not  **my**  fault that nothing is adding up."

"Whoa, take it easy. I was just making sure you're in the right mind-set and you're focusing on the job. There's no need to get defensive, kid."

"Well, I assure you, Rossi, that I  **am**  in the correct mind-set. Why do you think I wouldn't be? Do you think I would not take this seriously? Twelve women are  **dead**. I'm not going to play around as if that doesn't matter."

"All right, calm down, kid—"

" **QUIT CALLING ME THAT!**  I am  **not**  a child! I am an adult male who is fully capable of taking care of himself!"

"Oh, I wouldn't be sure about that."

Reid's eyes narrowed again. "What do you mean by that?"

"I think you know." Rossi fixed his gaze on Reid, neither willing to blink first.

"No, I do not know. If you could enlighten me…?"

A moment passed between the two, during which neither looked away nor blinked. Finally, Rossi broke the silence, though still not blinking.

"I know you're using."

At Rossi's simple bluntness, Reid couldn't resist blinking. "W- _what_?"

"You heard me."

_'_ _Rossi…thinks I'm using? Why would he…?'_

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, don't play dumb, Reid. It's  **obvious**." Reid blinked again. "The way you've been acting, it's weird even for you. Not to mention you're thin enough to fit through a  _crack_. Changes like that don't just happen. Not unless there's another factor involved. And I  _know_  you have a history of drug abuse."

Reid stood there for a moment in a mix of shock and fury. Suddenly, a wave of rage surged through him before he had the chance to control it.

" **You don't know what the hell you're talking about!** "

"Excuse m—"

**"** **You need to address the** **_facts_ ** **before you begin to make assumptions about other people!"**

"Oh, I've looked at the facts! The  **fact**  is that you need help."

" **No, the** ** _fact_** **is that you're not as great a profiler as you may** ** _think_** **you are! I am not using! I do** ** _not_** **need** ** _drugs_** **to lose weight! I can do that perfectly well on my own!"**

"What are you talking about? This isn't just about your weight."

"Oh, yeah, I  _know_  there are a billion things wrong with me, especially in comparison with the rest of you.  **But that doesn't mean I have to use** ** _drugs_** **just to make myself better!"**

"Look, Reid, you can deny it all you want. But I'm going by the  _evidence_." Rossi put his hand up to stop any further protests. "But more important than all of that right now is this  **case**. Now, you can keep doing what you're doing now and risk your job and possibly lives, or you can get your head in the game and keep focused! Come on, Reid, you're a good kid. Do the  _smart_  thing." Reid swallowed, unsure of what to say. "Hey, I'm not the bad guy here. I'm just trying to help a  **friend**. But you've gotta help  _yourself_  first."

A few seconds of silence passed between them before J.J. entered the room. She looked at them in slight confusion. The tension was strong and quite obvious, and it was making her uncomfortable.

"What's going on? Is everything all right?" She looked at Rossi who just raise his eyebrows, and then to Reid.

"Yeah, fine." Reid muttered. He then turned back to the map and pretended to study it.

"Okay, well, Hotch says we're going meet in here in five minutes to review everything, so be ready."

"Thank you, J.J." Rossi smiled at her. They then took their seats in wait of the others as Reid continued to stare at the map in confusion and slight fear.

Everything was falling apart…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will not upload during November because I am *trying* to do NaNoWriMo this year.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That night...

Reid sat in the back seat, watching street light after street light pass them. The car ride was eerily silent, but Reid did not notice. He was too focused thinking about the meeting earlier that day. The entire team had grouped together to review the information they had found. As much as Reid tried to pay attention and contribute, he couldn't. He kept thinking about the conversation— _argument_ —he had with Rossi and about how all of his plans kept unraveling. He noticed everyone on the team giving him looks throughout the entire meeting, but couldn't do anything about it without seeming suspicious. All he could do was sit quietly and pretend to think about the case.

Hours later, Hotch finally decided they weren't going to get any farther that day and told everyone to head back to the hotel for some rest. Reid absentmindedly got into the SUV with Prentiss and Morgan and the ride had been silent since. Everyone now and then, he could tell Morgan was looking at him in the mirror or that Prentiss was shooting him side-glances, but he honestly could not bring himself to care. There was nothing he could do. He was losing control of everything.

The vehicle halted to a stop and Reid felt the engine switch off. He looked up and saw the words " _Trader's Hotel_ ". Collecting his bag, he opened the door and stepped out just as the other SUV was arriving. Everyone gathered in the lobby while J.J. checked them in. She returned a few minutes later with their keys.

"All right. Hotch, here is your key. Rossi…Emily…Morgan…and mine. Our rooms are all on the second floor."

"Okay," Hotch announced. "Let's get everything into our rooms and rest for the night. I want all of you down here by 8:00 tomorrow morning." He watched as everyone nodded their heads sleepily before dismissing them with a short nod. The team was about to disperse when Reid spoke up:

"Uh, J.J.? You forgot to give me my key." He watched as she hesitated and glanced at Hotch.

"That's because you're sharing with me, Reid," Morgan said, showing the key to Reid.

"What?"

"We're sharing a ro—"

"Yeah, I  _heard_  that. Why do  _we_  have to be in the same room?" Reid tried hard not to let his annoyance show but knew he was failing.

"Well," J.J. started, "We couldn't pay for six full rooms. The most we could get is five, so someone was going to have to share."

"Why does it have to be Morgan and me? Why can't someone  _else_  share?"

"I…it just seemed like the best option."

"I offered to share." Morgan said, suddenly feeling twice as tired.

"Well,  _I_  didn't. Did no one think to ask me what  _I_  wanted? You can't just make decisions for me. If two of us needed to share, why couldn't J.J. and Prentiss share? They usually do. Or here's another idea: we could jus—"

"Reid." He looked up to see Hotch's "no-further-arguments" face, and wanted more than ever to argue. But he instead bit his tongue and glared at Hotch for a moment before snatching the key from Morgan and heading to their room without another word. It took every bit of self-control he had not to slam the door behind him.

* * *

 

Two hours later, everyone was in their respective rooms and fast asleep. All except Reid, who was lying wide awake in bed, trying to ignore the endless ache in his stomach. He dared not move in fear of worsening the pain. Instead, he focused on his breathing and mentally reviewed pain-management techniques. For a while, the pain minimized, and Reid believed he might actually be able to sleep. Suddenly, an unbearable wave of cramps washed over him and he could not prevent the whimper that escaped him. He turned his head and was relieved to see Morgan still sleeping peacefully. After occasionally sharing a room with Reid for so many years, Morgan learned to ignore the sounds Reid made at night or else Morgan would not sleep at all due to Reid's constant nightmares.

When the pain finally lessened a bit, Reid decided he couldn't take anymore. He carefully slipped out of bed and made his way over to his suitcase. He pulled out a clean(ish) pair of clothes and quickly, but quietly, put them. He kept his eyes on Morgan the entire time, thankful that the older did not stir once. Stuffing his wallet into his pocket, Reid gently walked to the door and hesitantly put his hand on the knob. As he unlocked the door, he slowly tuned the knob, wincing with every squeak. Morgan remained undisturbed as Reid carefully opened the door and slipped out, gently closing it behind him. Reid crept passed his other teammates' rooms and then hurriedly paced out of the hotel onto the streets of Omaha, Nebraska.

He slowed to an average pace as he wandered in the direction of a convenience store he vaguely remembered seeing on the way to the hotel. As he walked, he came across a group of teenagers who were smoking. He saw the two girls in the group eye him in what he figured must be disgust. The realization made him walk a little faster. As his pulse sped up, he felt slightly dizzy, but pushed passed it until he saw " _BERNIE'S CORNER STORE_ ".

Reid weakly pushed open the door and heard the bell faintly ring. A middle-aged man briefly acknowledged him before he returned to polishing the counter. Reid shuffled over to an isle full of over-the-counter drugs and vitamins. He looked at the labels searching for pain killers he can take without having to eat anything. He found something suitable enough and went down the aisle for protein supplements. As he stared at the various bottles, his vision blurred and he wavered slightly on his feet. He shook his head in an attempt to re-focus and quickly grabbed the pills in front of him. He then unsteadily wandered toward the next aisle to find bottled water.

He never made it to the next aisle…

In one second, Reid's vision blurred before going completely dark as he lost his footing and fell to the tiled floor.

* * *

 

He heard a noise…a voice…someone was talking to him… He felt something brush his cheek and he cracked his eyes open. There was the blurred figure of a man with his hand on Reid's face. Gradually, Reid's senses returned, and he opened his eyes a little more.

"…hey…hey…you all right, guy? Hey…" Reid let out a groan and attempted to get up when he felt a hand on his chest. "Whoa, hey, just calm down, guy. Not so fast. How're you feelin'?"

"mrrmm…I'm fine…" Reid lied, mumbling. "...Just need to…" Again, Reid tried to get up, and, again, he was stopped.

"Just hold on, guy. Help is coming."

"Help?" Reid scooted a bit away from the middle-aged man and tried to sit up for the third time.

"I called an ambulance. They're on their way." The man tried to hold Reid down again, but Reid lazily swatted his hand away.

" _An ambulance_?" Reid sat up more in alarm.

"Yeah, it won't be long 'til it's here."

"No…no…" Reid attempted to stand, ignoring the man's protests. "I can't…" Reid looked around nervously. "I need to go." He stumbled as he took a step.

"Wait, you need help. You could be hurt." The man followed Reid's unsteady movements, arms ready to catch Reid in case he fell. "At least let the guys check you out first to make sure you're not too damaged or anything."

"Thank you, sir, for all you've done, but I really need to go." Reid said with annoyance as he mustered up the strength to push open the door.

"But, guy…!" Reid heard the sound of the bell followed by the soft thump of the door closing behind him. He looked around for any signs of the ambulance and headed back to the hotel when he saw none. Having forgotten his pills and water, Reid walked along the route he'd taken before. He passed the teenagers again, but refused to look at them in fear of what he would see in their eyes. Occasionally looking behind him in paranoia, Reid finally neared the hotel. He faintly heard sirens as he opened the door and slipped inside. He waited for the sirens to fade before he journeyed upstairs. Reid opened the door to his hotel room with only a fraction of the caution he had used earlier.

His heart paused and his blood ran cold at what he saw inside…

Derek Morgan was sitting on the edge of his bed, fully awake, and appearing to have been waiting. It was clear that he was not happy. A cuss word Reid rarely ever used was the only thought in his head.

"Where've you been?" Morgan said simply. Reid could recognize the look on his face; it was Morgan's " _no-bullshit_ " look. And, yet, Reid tried to push his luck.

"Oh, uh, I was just walking around. I, uh, couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk to tire myself."

Morgan didn't even blink. "Nice story. Now, do you want to try telling me the truth?"

Reid opened his mouth to insist his honesty, but then thought better of it. He took a deep breath and released it slowly, hoping Morgan wouldn't push too far. "I…had gone to the store…the convenience store we passed on the way here."

Morgan continued to stare at him. "Uh-huh. Do you want to try a third time?"

Reid gave him a confused look. "No, I really had gone to the store. I went to buy…" Reid paused. He couldn't say he was buying protein pills. That was pathetic. "…some sleep pills." Morgan didn't change. "I'm not lying to you."

"Oh, you're not?"

"No."

"Then where's the bag?"

"What?"

"The bag, Reid. You said you went to the store, so what did you do with what you bought?"

Reid felt what little color he had left in his face drain away. 'I…"

"Save it, Reid," Morgan said with increasing anger as he stood and made his way to where Reid was still standing in the doorway. "I know where you were."

"…I told you, I was at—"

" **Enough with the lies, Reid!"**  All at once, Reid went quiet as he and Morgan stood face-to-face. He dared to swallow. "I  _know_  you went out to buy drugs."

Reid's eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat. "Wh-what?!"

"Stop playing games, Reid. I'm sick of watching you destroy yourself."

" **I'm** _ **not**_ **on drugs! Why do people keep thinking that?!** "  _'Is it because I'm so weak that taking drugs is the only reason I would ever be able to lose weight?'_

"Because it's  _obvious_ , Reid." Reid felt frustration build within him. Why couldn't anyone understand?

"I'm not doing what you all  _think_  I am. Search me, if you don't believe me!" Reid held his arms up, inviting Morgan to search all he liked. "I guarantee you won't find any drugs on me. Go ahead and look."

For a moment, Morgan just stood there staring at Reid who held a determined look on his face. Morgan then took Reid's offer and patted down the younger agent. After a minute, Morgan stepped back, having found nothing besides Reid's wallet.

"You could have hidden it."

" **Morgan!** "

"Reid! We know there is something going on with you, and  _if_  it isn't drugs, then tell me what it really is." Reid stared at Morgan, making no attempt to explain anything. "If you can't do that—if you can't come up with a reason that has nothing to do with drugs—then it can only be assumed that you are using again. That's all there is to it, Reid. Either give me another reason, or it's drugs."

" **But I'm not using!"**

" **Then prove it!"**

Reid quickly lifted up his shirt sleeves and shoved his arms out at Morgan. "See? There isn't any new track marks."

"There are other places to insert a needle, Reid. I  _know_  you know that."

"Well, then, look…" Reid stopped himself from telling Morgan to search the rest of his body. He couldn't do that. He couldn't let Morgan see how disgusting he still is. Morgan would laugh. And he would have every right to. "Morgan…I  _promise_  you, I am not taking drugs. Please, if there were ever a time you believed me,  _please_ , believe me now."

Morgan stared at Reid for a long moment, searching for anything to suggest Reid was lying. Reid's eyes said he was genuine, but the facts pointed elsewhere. In the end, Morgan let out a sigh and took a few steps away from Reid.

"Come back in here. We have to wake up early, and it looks like you haven't slept in  _weeks_." Reid remained still as Morgan sat down on his bed. He looked up at Reid. "Are you just going to stand there all night?" Reid didn't answer. "Well, when your legs get tired, remember that there's a bed in here waiting for you." Morgan lay down and turned off the lamp on the nightstand. When Reid still hadn't moved after a minute or two, Morgan got a little annoyed. "Reid, get in here now, or I'm going to turn off the nightlight and let you sleep in the  _dark_." A moment later, Reid hesitantly entered the room and closed the door behind him. Morgan closed his eyes as he heard Reid slip into his own bed.

That night, neither agent slept in peace…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished NaNoWriMo with only 38,000 words :(  
> For any who wants to read the story (which I highly doubt), I will post the first chapter to fictionpress.com under the name "FDCAY14" sometime this week.  
> Look for a story called "Recurring".


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning...

David Rossi poured himself a second cup of coffee as Jennifer sat down at the table, muffin in hand. Hotch skimmed over the local newspaper, and Prentiss contemplated which coffee would get her through the day. The hotel dining area was quiet, with only the team and a few others occupying it. The four agents looked up as the sound of heavy footsteps filled the room.

"Good morning," J.J. greeted.

"Morning," Morgan grumbled as he made his way over to the coffee pot.

"Sounds like someone had a rough night," Rossi quirked an eyebrow.

"Don't get me started…" Morgan grabbed a mug and poured some coffee as Prentiss took her place next to J.J.

"Hey, is Reid up yet?" J.J. asked with slight concern.

"Hmph!" Morgan grunted, walking towards the others.

"I guess that's a 'no', then." Prentiss stated.

"He's usually the first one down here." J.J. pointed out. "He's almost never this late."

"It isn't 8:00, yet. He still has time."

"I know, but still…"

"The kid could do with some rest." Rossi commented. "Yesterday, I expected him to fall over."

"Morgan," Hotch said, entering the conversation. "How did Reid seem last night?"

Morgan scoffed and shook his head in memory of the night. "I don't know _what_ is going on with that kid."

"Do we still think he's using?" J.J. asked.

Morgan sighed. He took a moment to think before saying, "I'm not sure. I thought he was using before, but after last night…I'm starting to doubt it."

"Why do you say that?" Hotch wondered.

"I asked him. He denied it. But, Hotch, it wasn't like before when we _knew_ he was using. He seemed so genuine. He actually seemed _hurt_ that I thought he was using. He even let me search him. Hotch, _obviously_ , there's something not right with Reid. But I'm not convinced that it's drugs this time."

"What else could it be?"

"I don't know." Morgan shook his head. "I really don't know."

Everyone sat quietly for a moment before Hotch spoke again: "Based on your observations, would you declare Reid capable of continuing as an active agent on this case?"

Morgan looked at his boss. He could already tell what Hotch thought. Morgan sighed as he considered his answer. "I believe…it would be best…if Reid was taken off the case."

The team was silent, signaling that they were all in agreement. A few moments passed until everyone looked to see Spencer Reid entering the room.

"Hey, Spence," J.J. offered a weak smile.

"Hi." Reid began to migrate toward the coffee area before he stopped himself and got water instead. Nobody said a word. Reid sat down at the table, next to Prentiss. He took a sip of his water.

"You know, there are some muffins over there." Prentiss said.

Reid stopped at the mention of muffins. He couldn't help but remember what happened _last_ time he was near muffins. "Um, no, I'm fine."

Everyone finished their breakfast in silence. At 8:10, Hotch announced that it was time to head back to the station. Every gathered their things and prepared to leave. Reid was lifting his bag around his frail figure when Hotch stopped him.

"Reid, can I have a word with you?" Reid looked at him confusedly before following his boss into an empty lounge room. "Reid, you aren't well." Hotch held his hand up to stop Reid from protesting. "I don't know what the problem is, but I _do_ know that it is affecting your work." Hotch held his hand up again when he saw Reid opening his mouth. "I don't want to do this, Reid, but I cannot allow the recklessness of one team member effect the outcome of a case. That is why you are off the case until further notice."

" **HOTCH!** "

"I'm sorry, Reid, but I need to think about this case, and you've made it very clear that, at the moment, you are incapable of giving your best performance on it."

"But—"

"And _until_ you have proven that you can think and behave properly, you are to stay here. Is that understood?"

"Hotch, please, I—"

"Is that understood, Dr. Reid?"

Reid hesitated for a moment in disbelief before finally resigning. "Yes, sir, I understand," he said in a defeated voice.

Hotch nodded once. "Reid…I'm not doing this to punish you. I'm doing this because I am concerned about you. We all are." Reid didn't respond. "If you need help, all you have to do is ask. Any one of us would be more than willing to help you with whatever is going on." Reid remained still. "Keep that in mind, Reid. We care, and we just want to see you better." With that, Hotch left.

Reid slowly walked toward a window where he saw his teammates entering their SUV's and driving away. He felt empty. He felt worthless. He felt helpless.

He felt alone…

* * *

**A/N** **: Hmm, well this chapter didn't go as planned. Originally, Hotch was going to give Reid another chance. Whoops…  
BTW, anyone who understood the "Traders Hotel" reference from the last chapter earns MASSIVE cool points. :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone, at the hotel...

Reid sat still on the edge of his bed. Everything was quiet. Usually Reid preferred quiet moments, but the silence he found himself surrounded by now was unsettling. There was complete silence. No movement outside his door, no calling birds…and no friends teasing him. Not even the voice Reid had gotten used to hearing was there. It had disappeared days ago, and Reid has felt a growing sense of detachment since.

He considered watching television, but the thought hardly interested him. He thought about going for a walk, but he couldn't convince himself to move. Reid contemplated calling the team to apologize, but he figured that none of them would want to talk to him. It was too quiet. Not even his thoughts could keep him company for his mind was empty, as well. His mind—a tool that often helped him as much as it scared him. He relied so heavily on it because it was often the only thing he had. And, now…it has abandoned him. It was all gone… His family, his friends, his job, his mind… What purpose did he still have now that he has lost his greatest asset?

He continued to sit in silence. Suddenly, a sharp tone caused the headache Reid hadn't realized he had to triple in intensity. As the young agent massaged his temples, he slowly realized what the disturbance was. He gently pulled his cell phone from his pocket and stared at the caller ID. Reid continued to stare for a moment before accepting the call and slowly lifting the phone to his ear.

"Hello…?" Reid's voice was groggy as he mumbled into the phone.

"Reid? You there, my cuddly little genius in a bottle?" Garcia's usual optimistic nature was not welcomed by Reid's pessimistic mood, nor by his increasing headache.

Reid made no attempt to hide his sigh. "Yes, Garcia. I am here."

Garcia didn't need to have the same qualifications as the rest of the team to know there was something wrong. "Is everything okay, Reid?" There was no answer. "Reid? Are you all right? You're not hurt, are you? Did something hap—"

"Garcia, I'm fine." Reid offered simply.

"Are you sure? Reid, do you swear to me you're okay?"

"I'm all right, Garcia."

The exhaustion in his voice was obvious, so Garcia decided not to push him…for now. "Well…okay… The reason I called is because I may have some clues on our lady-strangler. I used the geographic profile you made to narrow down the search to anyone with—"

"Garcia, Garcia, stop." The technical analyst immediately ceased talking at Reid's interruption. "…I'm not the one you need to give this information to."

"I don't understand. Weren't you in charge of—"

"Garcia." If Reid had the energy, he would have sounded agitated or at least highly frustrated. Instead, he just sounded tired. "You need to call Rossi or Hotch."

"Why? Are you—"

"Garcia, listen." The young blonde fell silent. Reid sighed. "I can no longer contribute to the team. I've been removed from the case…I'm inactive."

There was silence as Garcia tried several times to close her agape mouth. Finally, she regained enough of her composure to speak.

"Why?"

Just one simple word. A word that brought Reid pain if he _dared_ to try to think of it-but for reasons that were obvious as well as reasons that were unknown even to the young genius.

"…It's complicated," was all Reid offered. Before Garcia could ask for details, Reid quickly said, "You really need to contact one of the others with this information as soon as possible, so I won't consume anymore of your time" before hurriedly hanging up.

And then, everything was silent again.

Reid sat on the edge of the bed, unmoved, for several more minutes. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, but it was odd. It felt thick and heavy. Every pulsation seemed to require an abnormal amount of energy. It _hurt_. His own heartbeat was hurting him. He knew why. Of _course_ he knew why. But he dare not _think_ why. He _can't_ admit why. He just had to push passed it…no matter how much it hurt.

Eventually, Reid mustered the strength to stand up and sluggishly shuffled out of the room. He made his way toward the restroom at the end of the hall, not bothering to close the door once inside. For a moment, he simply stood there, staring at himself in the rectangular mirror above the sink.

Reid saw imperfection and revulsion. The mirror—and everyone besides Reid—saw something else. His skin was pale and dry (' _hideous'_ ). His clothing sagged around his too thin frame (' _fat'_ ). His eyes held a haunted look, surrounded by layer upon layer of bags (' _disgusting'_ ). He slumped to one side as he held unto the sink for support (' _pathetic'_ ). His lips were dry and severely cracked (' _unappealing'_ ). His breaths were strangled and shallow (' _insignificant'_ ). He, to put it simply, was ill (' _helpless, lowly, unlovable, weak, horrendous, jejune, grotesque…'_ ). But only others could see it (' _degenerate'_ ).

Reid shut his eyes tightly as he was suddenly reminded of his migraine and his cramps all at once. He whimpered slightly, the sound reminding him of how pathetic he was. The pain became too much, and the agent slowly sank down to the floor, clutching his head with one hand and his stomach with the other. He detested the noises he was making, but couldn't help them. He closed his eyes even tighter as he curled into a ball. A single tear escaped down his cheek before the world disappeared.

_**'~*~'** _

He heard something…but he wasn't sure what it was… A voice? It was loud…too loud. It hurt. And then everything was gone again.

_**'~*~'** _

He heard something else this time. Something blaring. He couldn't tell if he was wincing or not. He could feel…hands? It didn't matter, because it was soon after that, everything vanished again.

_**'~*~'** _

The next time he awoke, he knew immediately where he was.

And he couldn't prevent the swear that escaped his lips…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any and all support would be greatly appreciated...


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team gets an alarming message from Garcia about Reid.

"Morgan, you go around the back. Dave and Prentiss, check the sides. I'll enter the front. Officer Lowski, with me." Hotch said hurriedly as he reached for his weapon. "Let's go."

Within seconds, the small house was flooded with FBI agents and local cops. For a minute, everything was silent. Hotch cautiously made his way through the kitchen, ready to attack, if necessary. Two additional officers entered the house, following Hotch into the dark hallway. Suddenly, there was a loud thump from another part of the house, causing everyone to momentarily pause. The sound of a gun being fired was heard, and everyone soon sprang into action, running toward the source. As Hotch approached the garage, he saw Prentiss walk out, securing her gun.

"We got him, Hotch." She said, pointing behind her.

Rossi appeared with a local cop next to him as they push the handcuffed man in front of them. Rossi stopped next to Hotch as other officers guided the man out the house. Hotch could hear Lowski saying "Dennis Wheatley, you are under arrest for the murders of Melisa Moore, Juliana Thames…."

As they all went outside, they passed Morgan, who was exiting the shed. The agent saw the bullet wound in the UnSub's shoulder. "What happened?"

"He had a knife at Rossi," Prentiss offered. "He didn't see me, so I took the shot. He should just be thankful I went for his shoulder." The agents watched as Wheatley was stuffed into a police car. He looked at Prentiss with resentment. She could see him swearing at her from behind the window.

"Well," Rossi said, trying to ignore the foul-mouthed UnSub. "Looks like we finished the case sooner than expected."

Prentiss nodded. "Guess that means we can be back in D.C. by tonight. Good. Those have to be the hardest hotel beds we've had to sleep in since that case in Cleveland." She absentmindedly rubbed her neck.

Morgan was about to answer when his phone rang. He smiled slightly upon seeing the caller ID. "We got him, Baby Girl. Thanks to—"

"REID'S IN THE HOSPITAL!" Morgan would have winced from Garcia's shriek, but he was in momentary shock.

"What? What do you mean Reid's in the hospital? What happened?" The other three agents immediately looked at Morgan with a questioning and concerned look.

"I-I don't know what happened. I mean, the last time I talked to him, he said he was fine, but I knew he was lying, but I didn't do anything to try to help him, and now he's hurt, and—" Tears were filling Garcia's voice at an exponential rate.

"Garcia, Garcia, calm down. Garcia. Listen to me, all right? Whatever happened is not your fault. Do you understand me? You had nothing to do with this."

The distressed woman sniffed. "I know, I know, it's just that—"

"Hey, hey, hey. I won't have you blaming yourself, you hear me? Now, tell me where Reid is and we'll go to see how he's doing. Can you do that, Garcia?"

Morgan heard a few more sniffles as Garcia tried to compose herself. She took a deep breath before saying, "He's at Trinity Memorial Hospital. I've sent the directions to your phone."

"Thanks, Baby Girl." Morgan said, hurrying to the SUV with the others in tow. "Now, I need you to call J.J. She's at the station; let her know what's going on and tell her to meet us there."

"Yeah, all right," she said with another sniffle.

"Hey, Garcia? Are you going to okay?"

"Yeah, yeah… Just…promise me you'll make sure he's okay."

"I will. You know I will. I'll call you later once we know what's going on." Morgan turned on the engine as Prentiss shut the final door.

"Okay. Morgan? Be safe."

"I will. And I don't want you worrying too much, got it?" He began pulling out of the yard that the SUV had haphazardly been driven into.

"Yeah, got it. See you later." She said softly before the line was disconnected. "Oh, Reid…" she whispered to herself. "Why do you always have to get hurt?" She took a moment to calm down before dialing the number to J.J.'s phone.

"Garcia? What's up?"

* * *

Jennifer Jareau marched into the emergency room with the force and fury of an army. She went directly to where an administrative registration clerk was helping a middle-aged woman.

"That's Feller," said the woman as she watched young nurse write down her information. "F-E-L-L-E-R. You got that?"

"Yes, ma'am. Now I need to know your—"

"Excuse me," J.J. interrupted as she pushed passed Ms. Feller. "I need to know if a friend of mine is okay. His name is Spencer Reid. He was brought here about two hours ago."

"Excuse me!" Ms. Feller gave J.J. an irritated glare. "I _was_ here first!"

"I'm sorry, miss," the red-headed clerk said as politely as she could, "but you're going to have to wait in line."

J.J. impatiently whipped out her credentials and all but shoved them in the woman's face. "Look, I am an FBI agent, and I need to see Spencer Reid this instant."

Ms. Feller took a step back as she suddenly noticed the firearm on J.J.'s hip. The nurse, however, was not impressed. "I'm sorry, agent, but unless this is an absolute emergency and you have clearance, I cannot show you any special privileges." She then turned back to Ms. Feller who was looking more than a little worried.

"Listen, lady," the clerk looked at her with rapidly decreasing patience. "My _friend_ is in here. And if you think I'm going stand around patiently without even knowing what happened, then you'd better—"

"J.J.!" The blond stopped mid-sentence as she turned to see Prentiss rushing toward her.

"Emily!" The two ladies hugged for a moment. "Do you know what's going on?"

"No, not yet. A doctor should be coming soon to tell us what his condition is. Apparently, a member of the cleaning staff of the hotel found Reid unconscious in the bathroom. She called an ambulance and he was brought in almost two hours ago. That's all we know so far."

"What do you think happened to him?" J.J. whispered.

"I don't know, but we're going to find out. Come on," Prentiss put a hand on J.J.'s back as she guided her to the southeast corner of the waiting room. "The rest of the team is this way."

Hotch, Rossi, and Morgan looked up as Prentiss approached with J.J. She was all too familiar this scene. It was what she saw every time Reid was in the hospital. Hotch and Rossi held a stoic look. It took trained eyes to see the worry and guilt behind their eyes. However, they dared not let it show, for they had to be strong for the rest of the team. Morgan did not try as hard to conceal his emotions. The pain, anger, and fear he felt were obvious simply by looking at his face. Prentiss also attempted to be stoic, but J.J. knew that she often struggled to keep her emotions hidden. As for J.J., she would allow herself a moment to express her emotions before composing herself.

It was a familiar scene to all of them. In fact, it almost felt routine by now. J.J. sat down quietly next to Prentiss. Rossi handed her a cup of coffee that had been reserved for when she arrived. They sat in silence, occasionally taking a sip of coffee. The wait lasted several more minutes (what felt like hours to them) before a doctor finally came out.

"For Spencer Reid?" The doctor was a man around Spencer's age with "dirty blond" hair. His eyes were a pale green color.

"We're here." Hotch said, standing up. The doctor made his way to the corner, and glanced over the five agents who looked at him with questioning eyes.

"Hello, I am Dr. Louis. I have been in charge of examining Spencer Reid. Are you family?"

"No, I am Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner," Hotch held up his credentials as the other agents quickly pulled out theirs. "These are S.S.A.s David Rossi, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, and Jennifer Jareau." Hotch motioned to each agent as he introduced him or her. "We work with Dr. Reid."

"I see. I'm sorry, but—" They all knew what Dr. Louis was going to say next. They've heard it several times. Because they were not related to Reid, there was certain information they could not know unless his family agreed to it. But having gone through this more times than he'd like, Hotch knew what to say to allow them access. He explained to the doctor that the only family Reid had was incapable of giving consent and that they were as close as family as he had. For good measure, he told a small fib, stating that Reid was a vital part of the case they were working on. Eventually, the doctor agreed to let the team see Reid. He asked them to follow him to the young agent's room on the third floor.

"So what happened?" J.J. asked the doctor as they walked toward the elevator.

"The paramedics brought Dr. Reid into the hospital, unconscious." The six men and women boarded the elevator. "We have completed initial checks to determine any physical issues. From what we have gathered thus far, Dr. Reid had not been attacked by another person." The elevator dinged and everyone walked out onto the third floor of the hospital.

"So there's no physical damage?" Prentiss inquired.

"Well…no, I wouldn't say _that_."

"What do you mean?" J.J. asked, worry building with every step they took.

Dr. Louis stopped walking and turned to look at the five agents behind him. He sighed lightly. "Well…normally, this sort of information would be reserved for family only, but since Agent Hotchner has explained the circumstances, I suppose it is acceptable for you to know his current condition." Each agent stiffened upon hearing the word "condition".

"Just give to us straight, Doc," Rossi said, no longer a fan of the suspense. "What's wrong with him?"

Dr. Louis took another sigh. "You see…Dr. Reid has—" The doctor was interrupted by a sudden beeping. He briefly looked down at his hip before jogging down the hall with the agents in tow. He came to a halt at room 329, where a young nurse was looking frantic.

"Patricia, what happened?" Dr. Louis questioned, looking into the room before settling his eyes on the nurse.

"I-I-I-I don't know, Doctor. I just came in to check on him and-and-and—"

"Patricia, try to calm down. I'm sure it isn't your fault."

"But-but-but I've never had anything like this happen before. Am I going to get fired? I-I-I need this job; I'm still w-working my way through c-college. Oh, _no_ , I'll never get my d-degree if I'm in jail f-for _murder_. I can't—"

"Shh, it's okay." Dr. Louis motioned to a nearby doctor to help the nurse before she went into a panic attack.

"That doesn't look too good," Rossi commented as he watched the doctor and the nurse walk down the hall. "What happened?"

Dr. Louis swallowed before taking a deep breath. "Agents…I am sorry to tell you this…but I'm afraid that Dr. Reid…"

"What is it, man?" Morgan rushed over to the room and looked inside. No one was there.

"Dr. Reid has gone missing."

At those words, the heart of each agent sunk a few inches deeper…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! A nice, long(ish) chapter for you. I must admit that I don't know anything about medical or hospital procedures, so if I got something wrong, please forgive me. Also, for those of you waiting, the next bit of self-harm is coming SOON. It will appear within the next 6 or so chapters. The story is about to have a huge turning point coming up, so be prepared for that. That's all I can say for now without any spoilers…


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid wanders around on the streets...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long update. I've been busy with freelance writing, trying to earn a bit of money before I start college this fall. I'm going to try to update at least twice more this summer.
> 
> Warning: There is some swearing in this chapter.

A cool breeze shoved itself against the body of Spencer Reid. It slowed his pace, but he never noticed. His mind was blank, but his heart was full. He was unsure of himself. He was confused and frustrated and so very tired. And, yet, he kept walking, despite wanting to rest. That was all he could do. It was the only option he had left. He didn't know how long he had been at the hospital, but he hoped that it was not long enough for them to figure out who he was or to examine him. He hoped that the team had not been contacted. Perhaps they were too involved in the case to answer any other calls. Or maybe...they did get a call, but they simply didn't care enough to come to the hospital. Why would they care? It was his own fault. If he was healthier, if he had more control over himself, if he was more motivated to get better... But he wasn't. He still had more work to do. He couldn't let the team see him in this state-not even able to stay conscious. Hotch had already realized how weak he was. If they found out about this, Reid might be grounded for months...or _fired_. He needed to prove himself. It was too soon for him to be found out.

Reid stumbled slightly but paid no mind. He kept walking, head down, fighting his growing sense of dissociation. The world around him was inconsequential, and he didn't even notice as it all faded away from him. The only thing he was aware of was the scuff of his feet along the pavement and the sinking feeling of his inner organs. Even his own thoughts seemed lost to him, causing a blank cloud to form, hiding everything else. It was when a car rushed by, horn blaring and men shouting, that Spencer finally looked up. He found himself halfway across a wide street that he did not recognize. His vision filled with an intense light as another car came his way. Uncertain, he stood there, blinking at the brightness. The car hurriedly swerved around him, causing it to screech as the air filled with the smell of burnt rubber. Reid knew that he needed to get onto the sidewalk, but his mind was having trouble comprehending the situation. None of it felt real. Perhaps if it _were_ a dream, he would wake up if a car hit him. And if he woke up...maybe the person he saw in the mirror would no longer exist. It was such a quiet whisper amidst the foggy state Reid was in that tried to reason this. But he did not have the energy to trust in this uncertain logic, so he stood there in a daze, waiting for a sign to tell him if he was indeed dreaming or not.

" **HEY, DICKHEAD! HEY!** " The shout barely registered in Reid's mind. "You there! What, are you tryin' get yourself killed or somethin'?! **Hey**!" As the screaming grew louder, it threatened the shroud that covered Reid's mind. "What, are you _deaf_?!" Reid blinked and slowly raised his head toward the direction of the yells. He managed to see that a man was marching toward him. It was then that he realized several cars had stopped behind him. People were shouting and honking their horns. Some were insulting him and even threatening him. And then there was one man who was exiting his car and coming directly toward Reid. Something sparked, telling Reid that this man posed a threat and that he should raise his adrenaline levels to prepare to either fight or run. He ignored it, continuing to stare as the man came closer and closer, yelling the entire way there. Finally, the man was within a foot of Reid. Through the haze, Reid noticed the man was slightly shorter than him with a muscular build and almost white, blond hair. He did not look pleased.

"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doin', huh?" Reid knew that the logical thing to do was to reply, but he could not bring himself to form any words. "Look, you're holdin' up traffic. You gonna move on your own, or am I gonna have to help you out, huh?" Reid blinked. " _Well_?" Nothing. "All right, then." The man grabbed Reid roughly by his collar. "Guess I'm gonna have to force my way to work, 'cause I'm not being late for some suicidal _idiot_." On the last word, a large fist connected with Reid's abdomen. The breath was knocked out of him, and he gasped desperately. His eyes widened as he suddenly realized the depth of the situation. His mind began to clear just enough for him to notice his surroundings. There were people in their cars who watched on with a look of horror on their faces. Some drivers did not care and were simply waiting until it was over. But the ones Reid noticed most were the ones who actually _encouraged_ his attacker.

Reid wrapped an arm around his midsection and slowly stood up straight to face the man. Upon this second examining, he noticed the man was around his sixties and had several scars along his face. On his neck was a tattoo of the U.S. Marine Corps Seal. Reid swallowed, regretting the situation he had walked (or rather, had _not_ walked) into.

"Ah, so you're finally awake, now, huh?" Reid straightened further, despite the pain in his stomach that hurt far more than it should have. "You gonna move now?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to inconvenience anyone," Reid said softly.

"What's that, Sunshine?" The man turned his head, prompting Reid to speak louder.

"I said 'I'm sorry'," Reid spoke a little louder and hated the way his voice cracked on the final word.

"Aww, looks like someone's still going through puberty. Maybe you'll learn some respect when you grow up, kid."

Reid gritted his teeth. "I am _not_ a kid. I can take care of myself!"

The man looked Reid up and down before chuckling. "You sure about that? 'Cause that..." The man moved his hand downward while motion in to Reid's body. "...sure as _hell_ isn't healthy."

Reid clenched his hands into fists as he glared at the man. "What the hell do you know?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard what I said. You know nothing about me! You don't know how hard I'm working, and it still isn't good enough! You don't know what I've been through! You don't know **anything**!"

"Listen, _kid_ , you need to watch what you're sayin' and get your ass out the damn road. What's the matter? You mad 'cause your momma isn't feedin' you right?" The man approached Reid, his face mere centimeters away. "I think it's time you grew up and started taking care of yourself, 'cause I'm sure your momma doesn't wanna be taking care of your crazy, screwed-up ass anymore. Why don't you just accept that your problems aren't enough for anybody to give two shits about, and they sure as hell aren't enough to make me late for work. So, **get your ass out the** ** _road_** **!** "

Reid glared into the man's wild eyes. " _Fuck_. _You_." The words surprised Reid even as they left his mouth, yet he could not bring himself to care. His mind barely had enough time to register the quickly-approaching fist before he fell to the ground, wincing at the pain surrounding his left eye. Suddenly, the man was towering over him. A wad of saliva hit the side of Reid's face. When he attempted to wipe it away, he felt a sharp kick to his abdomen, followed by another and then another. Around him, Reid noticed people staring. No one attempted to stop the pain he was enduring. Some people were cheering, giving the man suggestions of where to hurt Reid next. It was like before, in high school, when he had been tied to the post. He was tortured, and no one did anything about it-they all just laughed. No one cared then, just as no one cared now. He was foolish to have _ever_ thought anyone cared. Truly, truly foolish.

After a minute of abuse, the man finally stopped kicking. Reid watched through squinted eyes as the man roughly picked Reid up and carried him to the side of the street where he was thrown onto the sidewalk. The man spat on Reid once more, mumbling about being late to work as he walked away. A moment later, everyone had returned to their cars and was driving away. People on the sidewalks walked passed Reid, acting as though nothing had happened. The day continued like any other. Reid realized that it would always continue, regardless of whether he was there or not. In the eyes of those around him, he was only as noteworthy as a speed hump. Easily run over, annoying, and quickly forgotten. Nothing more than a minuscule footnote in the autobiographies of those he encountered. What difference would there be if he disappeared? Would anyone even notice if he stayed on that street, if he never returned?

After a long while, Reid was able to ignore his throbbing stomach long enough to sit up. He carefully dragged himself to the nearest building, gritting his teeth at the pain each movement caused. When he reached the brick wall of the building, Reid slumped against it. He fought for breath, yet feared the pain breathing caused him. He tried to assess his injuries, but part of him did not care enough to do so. It hurt...and, yet...the pain was strangely refreshing. It reminding him that, yes, he was still alive. Yes, he was still a part of this world. Yes, he was a person-perhaps not a worthy person, but still of human flesh. He still had a life, and the pain was proof of it. It kept him away from the foggier regions of his infected mind. It kept him awake. It kept him aware. It kept him focus on what he needed to do. And right now, what he needed to do was get up. But he couldn't-the pain was too much.

_'No. No. I have experienced worse pain before. I_ _**know** _ _how to handle pain. My entire life has prepared me to deal with pain. This barely registers. It's nonexistent. I can manage it on my own.'_

Reid grunted as he placed his hands on the building and slowly lifted himself up. He stood, leaning against the wall, gathering his strength. And, then, he continued walking with a look of determination upon his face. He was able to think for the first time in days. The primary thought in his head: _'I still have work to do.'_

He walked, somewhat limping, for more than 17 blocks until the clouds of his mind threatened to take over again. Reid shook his head. _'No. I'm not ready yet.'_ As the distance he walked grew, so did the fog. It was not long before the veil had finally swallowed his thoughts, and once more, he was walking aimlessly. Part of him clung to the small bit of clarity that shone through his vastly shrouded mind, but that clarity was only strong enough to force himself to stop and sit under a small tree. He stared at the world in a blank daze. He felt as though he was waiting for something, but he could not be certain of anything. Should he continue walking or stay? Why was he walking at all? What would happen if he stayed? Was there a third option?

Reid continued to sit, feeling the world become more and more distant. Yes, he was waiting. But he did not know what he was waiting for. An answer? A solution? A guide? A reason? Motivation? Or perhaps...a person? Reid mindlessly surveyed the area, finding nothing of interest. He would wait until whatever or whoever he was waiting for would come for him. His eyes glanced at his surroundings again as a raindrop landed on his neck. Soon, the city was hidden within a watery veil.


End file.
